the basterma diaries

take the rusty butcher knife

 of years gone by

 waterfalls of not so kosher

 unfiltered thoughts

and slit my throat

in one jagged sweep—

let me bleed out

the poisoned thoughts

i have of you

collect every last drop

in the shell i long shed

and dispense this toxic mess

right into the Brita filter

until each drop comes out pure

hemoglobin anew

dump it right back in

unpolluted

uncontaminated

until the next poisoned thought

decides to leak through

I thought I was numb

Body leaning against the wall

Like an addict after a good fix

You made me feel this way with all your dirty tricks

You bent me and you broke me

And this is my chance to free me

I thought I was numb

Frozen emotions

My heart the pincushion

To the lies the lies the lies

All those nights you never heard me cry

I thought I was numb

No…no I was just dumb

Numb requires no feeling

All this time it was my skin that was peeling

Single layers at a time

Exposing my heart to someone who didn’t think I was worth a dime

Incase you didn’t hear me

I said I thought I was numb

But not anymore

I feel everything

Right down to my core

My heart feels like its about to crumble

I’m trying to walk but I’m starting to stumble

You said you loved me

And you wouldn’t push me to this degree

But

You

Lied

i am an outline

a simple sketch

drawn with determination

each line a manifestation

of all the sensations

that i long to feel

but i’m just an outline

a simple sketch

filling a grey space

with raw details of my face

that’s unable to trace

the hand that drew me in

i am an outline

a simple sketch

still edgy and bold

but my hands are too cold

to touch and to hold

the one who knows me best

because i’m just an outline

a simple sketch

unfinished so far

i still feel subpar

and want the warmth of a star

while i wait for you to color me in

Cinder Block Heart

echoes behind empty walls

blank stares of unforgiving eyes

creep slowly

seep softly

in the pores of a cinder block heart

built strong

built to last

to sustain

the echoes

the stares

the smiles

the screams

the love

the hate

the cold, cold nights

ignite it in flames

and it may burn

but it will never crumble

Swollen Clouds

Sun breaks through swollen clouds

A blinding ray—

Brighter than a glowworm searing the dark night.

Secret spinning thoughts dance

In gushing waves of light;

slicing through heavy lids

hanging on the lashes of what was

and the shadows of what will be.

It sorts through the flesh;

buried deep in the heart

where darkness cannot hide,

cannot be fenced, nor covered.

Swollen spring clouds erupt

Through distant breaking rays

Gushers of the sky,

Shadows of the heart,

Dancing on the ducts,

They slide like the sea—

Into secret lots held in the palm of a hand.

The Drive Home

i always take the long way home

roads winding like a question mark

to someplace i’d like to go

because home is no longer home

but an empty space

that doesn’t fit the pace

that i’d like to go

i’m driving a hundred miles an hour

to an unknown destination

where everything makes sense

because home is no longer home

and nothing is clear

without you in it

the roads curve in S formations

around my spine

while i try to find the stop sign

to my heart

thats beating louder than ever

bursting through my chest

as i go faster and faster

and faster

until i yield at the familiar corner

and creep slowly through

the alley of faded memories

back to the empty space

where home is no longer home

because you are not in it